Jesus Freak

I haven't posted for a long time.

Well, kind of...

A few weeks ago I wrote a very long post about some really negative self-talk I was going through....I have been giving to myself on a daily basis for the last 20 years.

I didn't publish it, and I'm glad.  You don't need to read that.  It wasn't helpful or uplifting.  I'm not here to bring people down.

This topic has been on my mind for a couple of months.  Someone said to me "...since you got all religious...." in the course of a conversation.  I found it quite funny, but also quite sad.

I didn't suddenly "get religion" or "find Jesus" or however you want to put it.  On a side note, Jesus wasn't lost, people!

I have had, for quite some time, a heart for Christ.  I love Him.  I want to please God....I have a hard time with certain things, but that is my heart's true desire.

However, I let outside influences in, and I let them in hard.  I hid my heart for God; I acted in ways that would disappoint him every single day.  So I can see why people thought my life changing was a sudden change...but it was only the outside catching up with the inside.

When my mother died last year, I was surprised and a little offended by how many people felt they had to assure me she was in a better place.

I knew that!

I didn't cry so much for my mother.  I cried for me.  I cried for my children.  I cried for my unborn nephew she would never cradle in her grandmotherly hug on this earth.

She was an incredible grandmother, by the way.

I was hit with an Emeril Lagasse BAM! by how much of my heart was hidden from view to all those around me.  That's why they said those things...because I never let people see my heart for God.  I was ashamed that I wasn't broadcasting His love for all to see.  How selfish of me.   Selfish toward God and selfish toward every person I had come in contact with who did not see through word and action His love demonstrated.

So yes, I'm different...but the same.  I always had Him in my heart...I just didn't really understand my duty, my responsibility as a Christian fully.  I didn't really take to heart my Christianity, because I was hoarding it for myself. 

I had taken babysteps over the years in my spiritual living with many of the steps being backward in direction, but over the past year I've taken giant leaps in spiritual development.  That's what you're seeing. 

Keep looking, take it all in.  He's still working great things in me, and I'll be glad to share them with you and walk this path together with you in His love.

I can't sign off without a disclaimer:

I'm still going to mess up.
I still have things I'm working on fixing.
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
I'm not claiming to be "better than".

I think people mistake being "Christian" for being perfect and good all the time.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Being Christian means your heart is right.  It means you have a goal and mindset to follow Christ.  It means you sin and you need help and forgiveness...it also means you give those things - help and forgiveness - freely.

It means so many things, but this is the meat of what I want people to understand...

It doesn't mean I've got it all down by the world's standards...

but it does mean God looks at me through a different lens, the lens of Christ's sacrifice. 

It means hope.

Anyone without hope can have it right along with me...you're never too far gone, never too broken, you've never sinned too much...there is no such thing!