Mommydom

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I have been in a brain-frenzy for the past several months.

What should I do?

Who should I be?

Who am I if I'm not "mommy"?

It has really gotten me into a funk.  Two things, I believe, played a part in this...first, my kids started being with their dad for a full week, every other week, for the summer and second, I am facing the empty-ish nest of having my youngest child start full-day school this year.

These two things have thrown me into a state of questioning, of what should I do, of formerly unknown freedom that to me, who has had children at home for 14 years, seems foreign and daunting.

In the toddler years, I though it would never end.  I got so tired of saying, "No!" and changing diapers and cleaning sticky fingers!  Every time I was pregnant I seriously doubted my sanity and sometimes wondered if God hated me.  I'm not proud of that last thing, but it's true.

There were many times when I cried out to him, "Why?" 

Times when I was at my wits end and knee deep in sippy cups, bottles, diapers and potty training.

So now...

I have no diapers.

Everyone is potty trained.

I haven't seen a sippy cup in 2 or 3 years, until my nephew started using them a few months ago, and I never have a bottle to wash unless I'm hanging with my darling nephew.

Random aside - I absolutely adore being an aunt!  All of my other nieces and nephews live far, far away, so I've not experienced aunthood too much since my niece moved across the country 15 or 16 years ago at the age of 9 months.

I have contemplated going back to school to finish a degree. (We started our family as I was finishing my second year, so I stopped at that point for Mommydom)

I have contemplated a full time job.

I have contemplated a part time job with more hours...like...every day hours.  I currently work one or two days a week...usually 4 or 5 hours.

I have contemplated starting my own business.

Here's the thing.

Who said being a mom isn't enough?

I mean, how did that get into my head?

I don't know what has gotten into me that I feel I suddenly have to get a full time job because there will be 6 hours in the middle of every day when children are not here.

I could easily fill these hours with laundry, cleaning, groceries, volunteer work, etc. 

Or maybe, just maybe, I will read a darn book as a reward for being "on call" for the last decade and a half!!!!

Don't get me wrong...

I'd like to not be on the budget I'm on.  I'd like to buy a newer car, maybe, or go get a pedicure.  I'd like to not have to say no.  I'd like to go buy my kids the expensive tee shirts just because I feel like it.

But....is that worth having to scramble to get someone to watch them when they have to stay home from school, sick?  Is that worth having some other woman take their temperature and soothe their aching belly?  Is that worth missing field trips, helping in the classroom, being there as they get off the bus to say, "How was your day?". 

Many days may be just fine, but there are days when a child dissolves into tears the moment they get off that bus and away from friends.  Is it really the Internet or television or food that needs to soothe them on those days?  Do they really need the loneliness of an empty house then?

No.  They need their mommy.

What about summer?  Especially onlies or youngest...I believe strongly that leaving children home all day long with nothing to do is a recipe for disaster and trouble.  Yes, I believe children need a chance to get bored and creative, but with direction available if needed.  So if I commit to a full time job, what will happen during summer?  I can't just quit every June.

Being a mother is the most important job I have.  Everything else must work around that.

I can't figure out what made me think that I should look into trying to work being a mother around something else.

Childhood is so incredibly short.  Every year goes by faster and faster; it's beginning to take my breath away.  There will always be time to make money, there will always be more things to spend it on, but the time to make memories and to write in the life stories of my children is fleeting, and I'm not sacrificing it for anything so selfish as a bigger house, a newer car, or anything else.

I don't need to be "something else" because the truth is, I'll always be a mother and I'll always be "mom" but the days of being "mommy" are short and precious.  I intend to be present for them, every day.

I'm a citizen of Mommydom, and darn proud of it.

Enough

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I have been on a journey of sorts.  A personal journey.  A spiritual, emotional, mental journey.

See, my life is not perfect.

I know, it's a huge shock to everyone.  It's true.

I got myself worked into this frenzy that I had to be perfect in order to present....present what?  Some image to the blogosphere that doesn't exist.

I know, I know.  Some people are out there creating beautiful things and blogging about it every day, it seems.  What am I creating?

I had to stop blogging.  It was too much.  I wanted to think of these wonderful things to say and all that was happening was that I was talking myself out of wonderfulness.

I want to be real.  I want to be present.  I want people to care enough to come back to the blog...no...that's not it...

I want people to be impacted enough to come back to the blog.

I started psycho-analyzing it.  I started to worry, and here are my worries:

If I don't give them some solution to some issue in their lives, they won't read it.

If I don't have some fabulous photograph of whatever I'm talking about, they won't come back.

If I expose too many flaws, they won't put stock in what I have to say.


Do you get where my mind has been?  And then, through the miracles that God works, He led to me to see the truth:

I am enough.

What I have to offer is good.

It might not be the best, the most beautiful, or the smartest.

But someone needs to hear it.

Someone's life will change because I took a chance.

And that is enough.


Come back tomorrow (or the next day) to read about why being a mom is "enough" for a lifetime's work.

I love you, each and every one.