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| My mom at 18 |
The thing about motherhood is that it is never over. Never. My mom has been gone since August, and I still need her.
It's a hard thing, learning not to need your mom.
It doesn't quite make sense in my head that I can't call her and ask her a question about my kids. About my life. About her life.
Yesterday was my birthday. Birthdays were a big deal in our family. I come from a six child family, and maybe it's because there was always a big mix of wonderful chaos around that our birthdays always felt so incredible. That was the day it was all about just one of us.
My mom did a great job of making us each feel special on our birthday, whether we were turning 3 or turning 30.
This was my first birthday without her. I cried all day. I mean, all day.
Wiping the table after lunch, I cried.
Changing my clothes after church, I cried.
Sitting on the couch with my kids, I cried.
Finally I just went to my bed, read some Max Lucado and my Bible, hugged my teddy bear and sobbed for a long time.
You should see my eyes today. An entire tube of Preparation H would probably not take these puffy things back to normal.
I realized something when this ton-of-bricks feeling of loss hit me yesterday. I realized that though I think to myself that I'm healing well and that it gets easier with time, it really doesn't. Loss is loss. What changes is that you allow things in your life to take over and you allow less and less time to focus on the loss. This is a good thing. This is moving forward.
But it kind of knocks you out a bit when those moments come and you're crying like you did the night she died.
I don't know what my kids thought. I think they may think I'm crazy, but I do know they were sad for me and sad for themselves. They expected a day of celebration and their mom just wept all day.
At least it wasn't one of their birthdays I was weeping through.
I really miss my mom.
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