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| Photo courtesy of healingdreams; FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
I miss my mommy. I told you yesterday that her birthday is coming up Saturday.
There was some discussion amongst my family about how we would deal with it. I, ever the spout-er, spouted off at the mouth about how the specific day wasn't a big deal to me, that I miss her every day and did not expect Saturday to specifically be an issue.
Blah.
Blah.
Blah.
Blah.
Bull.
It hit me this morning. My daughter, BeanzG11, posted a picture of my mom as her status and asked everyone to comment with a "Happy Birthday" for her grama.
I'm surprised the laptop is still operating right now since it was puddled with my tears.
A lot of things make me tear up about my mom, but we are closing in on 7 months and I realize that I no longer tear up every day. I don't even get to full blown sobbing too much, certainly less than once a week. But this...this got me right in the heart.
I do miss my mom. I want to call her and tell her I'm writing and actually getting paid for it. I want to call her and tell her I'm blogging, which is something we frequently discussed when she was living. I want to call her about my heartaches and about my joys. I want to share with her the kids' accomplishments and my struggles in raising them. I want to dream with her about art projects and quilting projects and moan about how we'll never have time to do them.
I'm sad that her birthday will come and we will not be fretting about what to have to eat, if we should have regular cake or cake that is diabetic-friendly, whose house will we celebrate at, or will we just go out? I see little gift items all the time that I want to give to her. That's probably the oddest feeling I've had.
Bottom line: I want my mommy. That will never change, and I can't pretend it will.
I'm living my life without her being a phone call away, but she is never far from my heart and the things she taught me will stay with me, and with my daughters, and with their daughters, and so on.
I love you, mom.
3 comments:
I feel for you and pray for your comfort and peace. My Dad died 5 years ago tragically. Not a day goes by when I don't thing about him. I used to have the tearing up everyday in the beginning too. Every now and then something will catch me off guard (a song on the radio) and I have on of those sobbing moments. One of the things that hurts the most is that he didn't get to see my kids which I know he would have loved so dearly! I hold on to the promise that I will see him again and he will be waiting to greet me along with Jesus some day.
Thank you, Anon ;)
I don't get caught up in sorrow...but I do get caught off guard by it...does that make sense?
I also look forward to the day I will be reunited with my mom in heaven. I take great comfort in her no longer being weighed down by earthly ills and worries; I take great comfort in her freedom in heaven.
Grief is selfish. It's about me and about my children. It's about what we're missing; it's not about her and what freedom she has. Remembering this allows me to move forward while still missing her.
I definitely feel your pain on this. I lost my mom too. It can be very hard. I'm thinking of you.
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