Monday Motherhood Musings: Hearing Your Kids



Stubborn boy; courtesy of Arvind Balaraman; FreeDigitalPhotos.net


I am a big softie.  I do not have a firm enough hand with my children, this I know.  I've tried to shape up a bit after realizing the behavior of my youngest, who is 5, was more like the behavior of a 3 year old.

I started imagining him as a teenager.  It wasn't good.  I've started laying down the law a bit more heavily, well, for me.  In my quest to be a firmer-handed parent, I've stumbled a bit, but I'm learning.

I tend to be analytical.  I want to correct the behavior my child demonstrated, but I also want to consider and analyze what was behind that behavior. 

For example, my son BubbaB8 once came in from his dad's house and flounced into the living room chair with a big FLOP!  Gee, honey, is something wrong?  He was grumpy to everyone around him and not approachable at all.  He spat out insults at his sisters and brother and harrumphed and grunted at my admonishment.

I come upon this situation often.  Kids acting like jerks to everyone in the house, but I know like I know like I know that there is more to it.

I don't believe you can resolve behavior problems with discipline only.  You have got to be sensitive to and address the emotion as well.  The only way to get parenting "right" is to balance those two things.  I think I'm a pretty good mom, and I also think it is extremely difficult to do and very rare that people can do it well.  I'm not always in the doing it well category, but I'm striving for that.

Here's what I'm working on:

1. Always stop the damaging behavior first.
2. Butt out if the kids are just having an argument that can be resolved by them.  Butt in if the insults are getting horrific or if it becomes physically dangerous.
3. After a brief cooling down, go to the child in question and just sit with them.
4. SHUT UP.  That's me that needs to shut up, not the kid.
5. If possible, hold or physically touch the child in a comforting manner.
6. LISTEN.  Let the child say everything they want to say without response from me, except for the following affirmations of hearing them:

• Look into their eyes
• Nod or shake your head
• Say minimal confirming words, like "Oh!" or "Really?" or "Goodness!"

   7.    Absorb what you've learned and by all means do not try to fix their emotions.

If you haven't realized it already, this mostly has to do with hearing your kid out.  Also important is a great active listening technique to use with anyone in the world.  Everyone wants to be heard, and I firmly believe that until a child knows they've been heard, they are unable to muster the emotional strength to move on from whatever has upset them.  Being unable to move on retards their journey to emotional maturity, which will likely affect them more negatively throughout life than academic mediocrity will.


Active Listening

Actively listen to your kids by repeating what they've said back to them.  For example, BubbaB8 says, "The girls got to go shopping and get stuff and so did my stepbrother; I didn't get anything."  Ok, so the natural thing here is to realize that it might not have been exactly that way (and in fact, it wasn't!) but that doesn't matter to BubbaB8!  What matters is resolving the feelings about what his 8 year old mind perceived.  So, what is the right thing to do here? 

Reaction - Explain that the girls and his stepbrother still had some of their Christmas money left over.  Explain that it wasn't to be unfair to him, but that the giftcards he had left were not for stores they were in at the time.
Result - BubbaB8 continues to be miserable and mean to everyone after the talk and his resentment toward spending time with his dad and stepbrother grows.  Since he's home with his sisters, he can take out his misery directly on them right away so resentment doesn't grow, but the behavior is mean and spiteful.

Correct Response - Say to BubbaB8, "I bet you felt jealous."

YES, IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

Some more holding and snuggling and a few, "I'm so sorry that made you feel bad" statements is all that is needed.

Result - BubbaB8 feels heard.  BubbaB8 is 8 so he is not always able to put a word to his emotions, but he is capable of telling you if the word is not the correct one.  In this case, it was cut and dry and we got it right.  BubbaB8 is able to do what is necessary with emotions:  feel them and let them go.  Simply because you didn't try to talk him out of his feelings or explain his feelings away.


What about his rotten behavior earlier?

I didn't forget about that.  The rotten behavior toward everyone in the house should be addressed.  In this case, it didn't get into fights and was shortlived, so a short verbal warning after the emotions have been dealt with is all that is required.  Just keep it short.  Parents talk too much and kids tune out quickly.

What do you think?

I'd love to hear what your parenting issues are, if you use active listening, or what you think about anything in general.  Please, load up my comments section; I love hearing from you!