Monday Motherhood Musings: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I love my kids.  I really love them, a lot.  I'm sure most people out there love theirs too, but we still have those moments, don't we?  When they're driving us completely nuts and we want to lock ourselves in the bedroom and not come out?

What? Did she just say that out loud?

I'm not the only one, I know it.

As mothers (and maybe some dads can chime in on this, I'm a girl so I'm speaking from a female perspective), we tend to get overwhelmed, then feel very guilty if we aren't spending every moment with our kids in June Cleaver-esque harmony.

My advice?  Get over it and get rid of them, you have my permission.

Come back!  Stop packing for a sec.

I mean get rid of them for a couple of hours, or a day or two if they're old enough.

Photo courtesy of Stuart Miles; freedigitalphotos.net

Here's the list of things I want you to get over first, or truths your guilty conscience won't acknowledge:

1.  Your kids need to learn to be independent.  Teaching independence includes letting them separate from mom for a little bit.  You need to adjust this based on age, of course.  Under 18 months old, they really do need you and the break time is about you, not them.  That's o.k.!  Take a break that works for you and that your kid can handle.  You can figure something out.

2.  Your kids need to have a mom who is not frazzled.  Mothering is all-encompassing, from someone wanting or needing something at nearly every moment to mountains of laundry and constant cleaning and cooking.  If you are nursing a baby it is physically invasive and if you don't take a few hours here and there to get away and breathe, you can end up feeling frustrated by a bond with your baby that is exclusive and wonderful.

3.  Work is not your break.  This means work at an office or wherever your career is, of course.  For you stay-at-home-moms, going to the grocery store or running errands alone is nice but THAT IS YOUR WORK.  Find something fun and relaxing to be your break.

4.  It doesn't have to be a long, fancy break.  Do what works for you.  I'm in a position right now where my children go to their dad's house every other weekend, so I have 48 hours, every 2 weeks.  The time it took for me to miss them was much shorter when we initially separated; I would cry all the time because I missed them so much.  Now, after a few years, I find that I look forward to the break and it takes about 24 hours for me to really miss them. 

With little babies it is hard to leave, so just pick what works for you.  At one point, when I was still married and we had only 3 children, I just took a drive every day when dad got home from work.  I drove for about 20 minutes and it allowed me to have a few minutes of quiet, that was what I needed.

5.  Your kids need a break from you too!  Think about it.  We are all people, and people sometimes get sick of people they live with, right?  Kids get sick of us.  Yes, it might take a few years, but it does happen.  If you are a present and engaged primary caregiver for your children, they will look forward to some one-on-one time with dad, a favorite aunt or uncle, grandparents, or a playmate.


6.  You do not have to control everything, all the time.  The world will not come to an end if Junior goes to bed without a bath.  It's o.k. if Sally has ice cream for dinner once a month.  And so what if Perky Penelope wears mismatched socks while you're at the spa?  It's all good, and tomorrow your bathtub will still be there for Junior, Sally can have a nice healthy breakfast, and Penelope can be color-coordinated down the her toe nail polish and sweet ribbons in her hair.  Let it go, and lighten up.

The Bottom Line:
Take a break.  Schedule it regularly.  I don't know if you think you deserve it, but I do know that you need it.



Mommy Letters; Stuart Miles; freedigitalphotos.net